It’s a mantra among cancer support organizations: Think Positive!
And it’s one of the things I hear the most complaints about.
I want to think positive, but I can’t.
It doesn’t feel right to think positive when I know the cancer could come back.
I live with cancer. How can I possibly “think positive”?
We’re about to go into October pink madness, and I see the hurt and conflict in so many survivors’ eyes.
Almost no one is prepared to receive a diagnosis of cancer. It’s typically a rude surprise, yanking the rug out from under your world as it was. In fact, cancer diagnosis plus cancer treatment may add up to a significant trauma, no matter how brave you were at the time. Some people struggle with post-traumatic stress long after treatment is over.
When you’ve been rocked by trauma, it can be a long, hard slog back to normal…much less “thinking positive”.
Now the folks who urge you to think positive mean well. They’re typically holding positive thoughts for you, and that’s a good thing. It’s nice to know someone else can see the possibilities in your future, even if you can’t.
But that gaping divide between what they see for you and what you’re able to envision for yourself can be painful. That’s a pain I see in too many survivors.
Your body may be so different that you can’t imagine doing the things you used to enjoy the most.
You may be struggling with anxiety, even depression. “Thinking positive” doesn’t even feel like a choice.
You may have lost a precious relationship or financial security, and you have no idea how to replace that loss. “Think positive” – are you kidding me?
Yeah, I get it.
And yet I know – I’ll bet you do too – that staying where you are could mean a long, slow surrender to a life that’s less than you want.
Ouch.
Is “think positive” the best advice for getting from where you are to where you’d love to be? Is there another, better way?
I’d love to hear from you. Comment below and tell me:
- How do you feel when you’re told to “think positive”?
- How easy is it for you to “think positive”?
- Would you encourage other survivors to “think positive”? Why or why not?
Paul Della says
The world we live in is negative and hostile, lets not add any more to that mindset. We should at least try to be upbeat because it breeds confidence and spiritual and mental uplift which helps in healing and surviving. I know people who have survived cancer and they were realistic and I also know it helped when I engaged with them in a positive way. It doesn’t help to be negative, it just makes you more cynical. That is the cycle that needs to be broken. Be realistic yes but be positive to help lift yourself out of the compromised position you are in.
drshanifox says
Thanks for your comment, Paul. Positivity is great. It’s just that too many survivors are telling me they can’t switch on positivity on demand. Those of us who love them can stay upbeat, offering our presence without expectations. That way we don’t invalidate what they’re going through as they return to positivity on their own timelne.
DN says
It is an additional and unfair burden when one least needs yet another. As if cancer, chemo, surgery, radiation, side effects, fear, sadness, etc are not enough. We are supposed to smile and find the good?
If it were that easy, everyone who is positive would beat cancer or never get it in the first place.
I find well intentioned yet unconscious and slightly sinister undercurrent of all of that positive pressure. It is a coping mechanism for those around us and more about them needing us to be, feel, act a certain way, NOT DYING, vs being supportive of where we are and what we need.
Doom and gloom isn’t welcome but neither is head in the sand pollyanna. I’ve actually seen ‘positive only’ posts and posters in CANCER SUPPORT GROUPS. Newbies or those in remission having no need or want to hear from people who are in recurrence or are not responding as hoped. As if learning the plight of those people will rub off on them and jinx them. Or maybe it becomes all too real and challenges their belief about what they are actually dealing with. Either way, shame on those people who find those with metastatic cancer to be akin to a contagious plague.
I find it to be an unhealthy cognitive dissonance.
drshanifox says
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Obviously positivity can be a good thing, but it doesn’t ring true if it’s presented as the ONLY worthwhile thing. Life is messy and hard sometimes, and denying that is inauthentic. Celebrating you for recognizing the significance of ALL of your experiences, and sending you a big healing hug today!
Peggy says
I am optimistic by nature, and I viewed my cancer experience as a hurdle rather than a barrier in my path. I’m aware that I could have a recurrence, but I don’t dwell on it. When I interact with other patients and survivors in support groups, however, I’m aware that their experience could be very different from mine. I do my best to address each person’s unique situation without presuming to tell anyone how she should feel.
drshanifox says
Thanks for stopping by with your thoughts, Peggy. It’s so important to allow each person to acknowledge their feelings, whatever those may be. Glad to hear yours are generally upbeat!